i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize