evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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