if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We're too hungover to prance.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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