I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Randomize
