i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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