you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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