Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
