goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
