i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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