Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
