dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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