he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
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