When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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