you traded sex for a burrito?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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