Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
