Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
soo... how was my night?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize