My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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