My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
