i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
