We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
