my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
did i just pee glitter
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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