Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
He had one of those small greek statue penises
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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