Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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