True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
