I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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