I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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