If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize