I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
