I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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