Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
