and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
