I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
