I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Pappa wants mamma naked
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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