Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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