I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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