I want to walk on stilts...naked
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
