You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
