I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
