you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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