I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
