If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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