I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
