Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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