Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize