I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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