Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Come see our sink grown plant.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
