good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
