I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
