I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
