Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
