I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
