do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
