Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
