I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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